It is a given that offenses will happen in life. We live in a broken world where people frequently hurt each other. With each wrong committed against us, we are faced with a choice: forgive or hold on to the offense. We will experience real consequences or benefits in our lives related to this choice.
It can feel difficult to let offenses go, and it might seem unfair to let an offender “off our hook”. But holding on to an offense will ultimately cause us more harm. And while our motivation for forgiveness should always be love for others and not merely personal gain, we benefit greatly ourselves by forgiving.
Consequences of Unforgiveness:
Unforgiveness interferes with your relationship with God
Holding on to offenses affects your intimacy, or closeness with the Father. Doing so puts the offense first before God and goes against His will and the commands of Jesus. He still loves you; however, relationship with Him is now hindered. Prayer and worship will also be affected.
To further illustrate, by choosing an offense over God, it has then been placed as an idol before Him. It is the object of affection: sitting in between, in the way, and blocking the relationship. Have you ever tried to have a meaningful conversation with someone, but another person or object competes for your attention or simply blocks your view? It is frustrating for both parties and doesn’t work very well!
God calls on us to love Him with every part of ourselves and above all else in our lives. (Matthew 22:37, 1 John 5:21) And if we love Him, we will obey His commandments (John 14:15).
Holding on to offense keeps you stuck in your past
When we are hurt and don’t let it go, the tendency is to ruminate or rehash the event over and over. You will think of what happened to you and feel that zing of pain. Holding on to it keeps the hurt alive and the memory fresh, effectively trapping you in the past. This is not the way to heal! But, if you forgive and let go of the offense, you leave it in the past. Freeing yourself for a present AND future without the pain. Without the hurt attached, the memory can then fade away with time.
You might find that freedom comes in degrees as you also let an offense go by degrees. Sometimes it goes easily and all at once; other times you might need to work a little harder to release it. But be encouraged and keep forging ahead, as you are healing and making progress!
Unforgiveness damages relationships
When we hold on to offenses, the hurt can morph into something bigger and more permanent: bitterness. This is a deep-seated anger connected to unreleased hurt (or unhealed grief) that has become part of the personality. We all know someone (hopefully not ourselves!) whom we would describe as bitter and nasty. Bitter people are not a joy to be around. There is a darkness that spreads from them onto those around them, poisoning the atmosphere and causing hurt. Bitterness is destructive and can cause people to act with hatred instead of love, seeking to do harm.
Bitterness destroys from the inside out, with a “blast radius” that catches others, which is why we are warned to remove it, along with all anger and rage, backbiting, belligerence, and malice. (Ephesians 4:31)
Unforgiveness damages health
The hatred of bitterness is directed inwardly as well. You might notice bitter people tend to speak poorly of themselves and their situations, essentially speaking death over themselves. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” (Proverbs 18:21, KJV) Bitterness poisons the heart it has taken over, and literally damages the body as well as the mind. Ephesians 4:32 goes on to tell us the way to remove bitterness: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (NIV) This includes forgiveness of self. If God has forgiven you, what right have you to hold any grudges, including against yourself?
Science recognizes what the Bible has said all along about bitterness and the need for forgiveness. Holding on to offenses or nurturing hurt or anger can cause serious health consequences. Unforgiveness has become a medical diagnosis because the toll it has on health is so well known! Studies have shown its detrimental effects with various mental and physical illnesses, such as depression, anxiety, heart disease, damaged immune system, chronic stress response, chronic pain, cancer, etc.
Blessings and Benefits of Forgiveness:
Forgiveness improves mental and physical health
Just as unforgiveness affects health in a negative way, there is a positive impact to our health when we forgive. The body and mind are freed from the unrelenting attack of chronic stress and can return to normal function. Peace results, as symptoms of stress, anxiety, and depression decrease or disappear. Physical symptoms of high blood pressure, immune issues, pain, etc. may resolve as well, as stressors go and the abnormal flood of hormones and chemicals in the body return to normal. Improved sleep is another positive side effect of forgiveness, which in turn aids healing.
Forgiveness leads to reconciliation
When you choose to forgive, it begins a process that can result in a reconciled relationship. It goes like this: You were wronged, but you are ready and willing to forgive the offender, so the offer of forgiveness now lies between you. The one who wronged you repents for the harm they have caused and receives your gift of forgiveness. The relationship has now been restored, the offense pardoned, never to stand between you again.
This is God’s method of forgiveness. It is how He forgives us and is how Jesus instructed us to forgive as well. This requires the cooperation of both parties, so it is not always possible to reconcile. There may also be safety issues or other natural consequences that prevent it. However, relationships are important to us and to God, so reconciliation is the best possible outcome.
God redeems the hurts of the past when we forgive
If we let go of offense, God will create something beautiful from our pain for our good. But we can’t receive the beauty if we insist on clinging to the ashes! We must put the hurt down and trust Him. Jesus came to heal our broken hearts, deliver us from oppression, and:
” . . . to bestow on them a crown of beauty
Isaiah 61:3, NIV
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair. . . “
Forgiveness sets you free
Learning to forgive in obedience to Christ is part of the healing journey. It frees you as much as it does the offender! It may be a process of renewing the mind with the truth of the Word of God and not happen instantly. This is especially true for those with a trauma history who developed a habit of resentment or anger in trying to survive. The key here is having or developing a willingness to forgive, regardless of the flesh rising up or if feelings of hurt and anger are present. A willingness upon conviction by the Holy Spirit that yes, I need to submit to God, forgive and let this offense go. God gives us grace for this. He also gives us the Holy Spirit as our Helper and the Word of God as our guidebook.
In contrast and according to scripture (Matthew 6:14-15, 18:23-35, Ephesians 4:31-32, Galatians 5:19-21), a person who habitually, willfully, and absolutely refuses to forgive has a reason to worry about their own forgiveness and salvation. This is serious, and we need to pay attention as it might signify a need for someone to truly make Christ their Lord. HOWEVER, this is NOT the person who is working through forgiveness but struggling with their hurt. Feeling that hurt, or even anger for the harm done, may bring up the flesh (old sinful nature), and you might wrestle with this for a time as you learn to let it go. But as you mature in Christ and crucify the flesh so that it no longer rules, you will forgive wrongs more easily as you display the fruit of the Spirit instead.
“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.”
Galatians 5:16-17, NIV
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”
Galatians 5:22-24, NIV
Be encouraged!
Breakthrough into complete freedom is possible! You can get there by trusting God and aligning yourself with Him. Then run your race with perseverance and determination, believing His promises.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:1-2, NIV
In this, Jesus Christ is the One who brings you to freedom. You have yoked, or joined yourself to Jesus, as you believe on Him and make Him the Lord of your life!
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11: 28-30, NIV
Hi. Love the content.
Thank you, Sister! Appreciate the feedback!